An extremely useful label…

…on the charger for my new Norelco 7310XL. As near as I am able to interpret, it means, “do not cut this cord off.” The charger’s rated output is only 350 mA at 15V DC, which is scarcely hazardous; even if you were to cut the cord with uninsulated metal scissors, while it was plugged into mains power, the worst-case scenario is probably a noticeable tingle. Perhaps a cut, shorted cable could heat up and, eventually, somehow, cause a fire? If it were 1AM on Friday the 13th and you had just broken a mirror while chasing a black cat under a ladder in the process of killing an albatross?

Is it even a hazard warning at all?

I am now, in fact, almost so curious about the label’s purpose as to attempt exactly what it seems to forbid, just to see what happens. My charger will stop working—that much I’m quite sure of. But surely no one capable of operating an electric razor, in the first place, would be surprised at that outcome. What about all the other possible ways I could destroy the charger? If it needs a “do not cut off cord” label, doesn’t it also a need a “do not blast with a shotgun” label? Doesn’t everything else I own? “Hello, Norelco customer service? I vaporized my charger with a thermal lance and it stopped working. What gives? Shouldn’t there be a label or something?”

Bill Hicks “I don’t do drugs” 6-way message pen concept

I made this animated GIF for a forthcoming MAKE post about personalizing these rotating “message” promotional pens to make super-cheap, memorable, functional gifts for friends. But then I stopped short of actually using it, (at least with this particular set of messages) because I don’t want to have to fend off a bunch of enraged comments about a “pro-drug” message.

In point of fact, I like this classic stand-up line from comedy God Bill Hicks not so much because I am particularly drug-addled, nor even because I think it’s such a great knee-slapper, but rather because I admire its rhetorical craftsmanship. Properly delivered, it manages a complete semantic one-eighty in the course of twelve words—eight if you allow for the fact that the first four, “I don’t do drugs,” really just establish the starting point.

It’s one of those jokes that almost has to be spoken, to be effective. Even the most artful and creative punctuation fails to capture the effect in written words, because the speed at which most people read gives little time for anyone to be surprised between the first of those dozen words and the last.

But the 6-way message pen with its time-delayed, line-by-line scrolling marquee, opens up a new dimension not available in straight prose, and can make the joke work again, IMHO. And it was too good an opportunity to pass up.

Knowing where to drill is most of the bill

My Dad, who has been an electrical engineer for 40-odd years, likes to tell this apocryphal story about Charles Proteus Steinmetz, the famous German-American engineer who, in the early days of General Electric, was a pioneer in the development of alternating current technologies, specifically power transmission and A/C electric motors:

Late in Steinmetz’ life, he was called in to consult on a vibration problem in a newly-installed piece of large, rotating machinery at a major factory. Steinmetz—who was afflicted with dwarfism, hunchback, and hip dysplasia, and stood only 4’3″ tall—looked over the blueprints for the machinery, examined it, took measurements, scratched figures.

“Bring me a drill,” he said, eventually, “with a one-inch bit.”

So tooled, he climbed up on a large electric motor, located just the right spot, and drilled a single hole in the casing.

“That,” he said, “should fix it.”

And, of course, it did. The machinery turned smoothly, everyone shook the great man’s hand, and he departed.

Weeks later, the management received a bill for $10,000. Steinmetz died in 1923; using that year as a base and adjusting for inflation gives just over $125,000 in 2010 dollars—a princely sum for a few hours’ work. Chagrined, the company responded with a respectful request for an itemized invoice. To which, the story goes, they received the following reply:

Drilling hole in motor casing:      $2.00
Knowing where to drill hole: $9,998.00
TOTAL: $10,000.00

Letters to editors

Clippings from my files suggest an observable trend: The more miserable my life, the more likely I am to take it out on the local newspaper editors. These two date from the same year. I was just starting grad school, and probably should’ve been making black sludge into brown sludge on a flash chromatography column, somewhere, instead of inveighing against sexist language (above) and neoconservative foreign policy (below). But there’s no doubt which was more enjoyable.

His and hers form break-up letters

It would’ve been sometime in 2005, I think, when a friend and I found this CD-R in the deep discount bin at Austin’s Discount Electronics. I don’t recall the exact figure, but I want to say we paid $2 for it. I think the box art actually advertised that it contained sample correspondence for “relationships,” and we could not resist our curiosity about what a model “Dear John/Jane” letter would look like. First, hers:

Michael,

Thank you for the beautiful flowers; that was such a thoughtful gesture. Your note asked me to call when I got back in town, but I wanted to write instead to let you know where I am mentally and emotionally at this time in my life.

I’ve really enjoyed the times we’ve gone out together. You’re a great conversationalist, and I really notice those skills in others because my job requires me to sit in front of a computer all day and talk to myself!

However, right now I’m totally focused on my work; I’ve landed several key projects that can give me high visibility in the company if I’m successful with them. They’re going to require that I work some fairly long hours. And on the weekends, I feel I owe my attention to my ten-year-old, Dara, and her various activities.

So I’d love to run into you from time to time when our friends get together, but I don’t want to mislead you into thinking I’m open to a new relationship at the present. I’m really not, for all the above reasons. Thank you for understanding.

Sincerely,
Belinda

Not bad, really, assuming that she actually has both a job and a ten-year-old named Dara. I suppose since she has to edit the text, a bit, to insert the correct name of the dumpee, as well as her own real name (he might actually be seeing the real “Belinda” on the side, after all), it’s not really asking too much more that she also insert the correct name, age, and pronoun for her child. Assuming her womb has not been a stony, barren field, to date.

Here’s his response:

Belinda,

I’ve been meaning to return your calls, but my schedule has been so erratic lately. I decided instead to drop you a note and let you know what’s going on with me. You deserve a straightforward explanation.

You have been such a big part of my life for the past several months that I wanted to let you know personally rather than just dodging your calls and offering you insincere lines and excuses.

Call it a mid-life crisis. Call it a departure from reality. Call it a bout with doubt. The bottom-line is that I’ve met someone else.

I may be making a serious mistake to end our relationship at this point, but I have to follow my heart at the moment. I hope you find it in your heart to forgive me for hurting you. You are a wonderful person, and the guy that ultimately wins your love will be very fortunate.

Fondly,
Michael

Again, with the arguably-significant exception of the actual explanation, this is not a bad break-up letter, IMHO. But, you know, details like whether he’s A) having a mid-life crisis, B) having a psychotic episode, C) having a “bout with doubt” and/or D) having sex with another woman are important in this context. I mean, it gets the “I’m so through with you” point across, but, wow: “You deserve a straightforward explanation that is not an insincere line or an excuse. So, you know, pick one of these four common ones and assume it’s true.”

Oh, and in the special case of answer C: “Bout with doubt” in a breakup letter is only slightly less tacky than “date with fate” in a sympathy card.

“Sean becomes a tropical storm”

My mother, who has been tracking the 2011 hurricane season very closely in anticipation of my eponymous storm, seemed a bit disappointed to learn that Sean will likely not achieve hurricane strength. I have mixed feelings, myself. As much as I would love to devastate eastern coastlines (particularly south and central Florida), there are, reportedly, actual human beings living there, presumably capable of experiencing suffering and loss, and I guess, in the final analysis, admittedly, I would rather not hurt anyone.

In 1983, Hurricane Alicia (Wikipedia) smashed into Texas, causing almost $6 billion in damage in adjusted dollars, making it among the most damaging (or “bad ass”) hurricanes in our state’s history. Mom, whose name is Alecia, was, I think, hoping I could also experience the pleasure of having one’s name on everyone’s lips as an unstoppable force of nature. Looks like that will have to wait until The Omega Device is complete.

But it won’t be long now, mother. Not long at all.

Why it’s OK to design, make, sell, buy, own, and/or use a brush that looks like a mushroom

In case that question has been keeping you up at night, as it has me.

Quite seriously, now, because this is literally a matter of life and death for your entire family: I find this object interesting from an aesthetic perspective.

At first glance, of course, it’s easy to lump brushes that look like mushrooms together with tape dispensers that look like elephants, fireplace lighters that look like giant matchsticks, pocket knives that look like spaceships, and similar “looks-like” product designs that are at best “cute” and at worst anti-functional or even dangerous. In the past, I have referred to such products as “pseudomorphs,” mostly because “stuff what looks like other stuff, what it ain’t” is unwieldy and not as impressive. But that’s basically the idea. I dislike decoration for its own sake, especially in utilitarian objects, and find going out of the way to make a tool look like some object from nature, for instance, to be especially frivolous.

However, this “mushroom brush” is an interesting exception, a rare example of functional pseudomorphism. Consider: As any mycophile will tell you, fresh mushrooms (especially exotic varieties) should not be washed, in order to best preserve their flavors. To remove dirt and other debris before preparation, brushing is the preferred method, and to keep things hygienic one should dedicate a brush to the purpose. You do not, after all, want to clean mushrooms with the same brush you use to scrub dishes or clean under your fingernails.

And to avoid confusing your mushroom brush with these other, lesser, nastier brushes, it should be distinctive, somehow. You could label it, of course, perhaps with the words “mushroom brush,” but then you’re reduced to written language, which only works when everyone is literate in the same one. But what about children, illiterate adults, and/or the French? What about your potential mushroom-brush customers in all those other, lesser, nastier countries of the non-English-speaking world? You can add a bunch of labels in a bunch of languages to every brush, or you can sell a bunch of differently-labelled brushes in a bunch of differently-labelled countries, or you can do away with using words altogether and just make the brush, itself, look like a mushroom, and thus unambiguously identify its function.

In other words, mushroom brushes that look like mushrooms are functionally superior to those that do not. Even a mushroom brush that is labelled with a picture of a mushroom is not as good, because, while that picture-label could conceivably be overlooked by a person in a hurry to find a brush to clean the toilet (as one so often is), no one is going to attempt to use a brush that actually looks like a mushroom without noticing the fact.

Whew. I think I might be able to sleep, now.

And if, tomorrow morning, when I reach for my mushroom-shaped mushroom brush to tenderly waft away the clinging flakes of loam from my daily pound of breakfast morels, I should take the tiniest bit of childish pleasure in the fact that my brush looks like something what-it-ain’t, well…I guess that might be OK, too.